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About three months ago I put a plan in place to stop picking by my 25th birthday. In 1 minute, I will be 25 years old and my picking is the worst it’s been all year.
That photo is of me on Friday night… I spent my night picking for hours on end to the point I felt physically sick to my stomach and that depressed I contemplated suicide.
I feel worse tonight.
My back is on fire. I have a weeping open wound in between my shoulder blades that just won’t heal and I can feel it burning. All the skin around it is red, raised and hot to touch. My face is stinging and my arms and legs are covered in band-aids.
I haven’t felt this sad in a long long time.
I’m 25 tomorrow. That’s 21 years living with Derma and I’m not sure I can do it anymore.
I’m in so much mental and physical pain. I just want to cry but I can’t.
I can’t handle how much this disorder has consumed my life. I feel so ill. A sign I am infected once again.
Happy birthday to me.
Wow so I have been missing in action for a little over a month now! Thank you all for your time and patience and for everyone who still keeps coming to my page even though I haven’t posted in a while. Life has been SUPER SUPER SUPER busy and so I feel you all deserve a bit of an explanation! I have this really bad habit (and this time it is not my Derma I am referring to) of taking on WAY too much! As well as being at university full time, I am also a single mum of a little boy who needs additional help when it comes to schooling, speech, etc. I work nights filling shelves which means I don’t get home some nights until midnight AND on top of this I am currently undertaking a teaching prac for my studies where I am working full time as a student teacher in a school for the next 2 weeks. However I haven’t stopped thinking about you all… I’ve finally paid for and ordered the Dermatillomania awareness wristbands which should be arriving in less than 3 weeks time, my Dermatillomania Support Group on Facebook has grown to over 500 members and whenever I get a spare few moments I have been compiling some Derma-related articles that will hopefully be posted on here soon. I will keep you all updated on how everything is going and will let you all know when the wristbands arrive. Thank you again everyone for your continued support!
My TLC order has arrived 🙂 & look at the wealth of information I got sent!! The only thing is they didn’t send me the right bracelet I ordered but at least I’ve finally got myself a copy of Angie’s book! Can’t wait to get started!!! 😀 Oh and I love my fidgets… so excited to finally have some… playing with two of them right now instead of picking… WINNING!!
Having a not-so-great day today. I’ve relapsed since coming on holidays. Most people find holidays relaxing – I, on the other hand, find that having nothing to do actually makes me incredibly anxious and allows my depression to creep back in a little. I didn’t want to get out of bed today. I felt sick (I suffer from medically diagnosed Irritable Bowel Syndrome with the possibility of also having chronic appendicitis) so trying to push past the pain/discomfort barrier was a little difficult this morning. Since then I have spent the last 3 hours picking at my face… mostly while sitting here on the laptop but I’ve also headed into the bathroom a few times to have a session in front of the mirror with my tweezers. This is what my face looks like now, it is the same on the other side:
I’ve been trying to figure out what about today is making me so anxious that I feel the need to pick. I’ve hit on a few things… someone is coming over today to feed the birds so being “skin-ready” for visitors always makes me anxious, I need to go to the shops to get something for dinner & because my OCD also manifests itself in the form of fearing all food is contaminated with bacteria, especially meat, food shopping is really nerve-wracking for me and I then need to cook dinner which is also making me incredibly anxious.
So I’ve since put on some makeup, brushed my hair & changed out of my PJ’s in the hopes it will encourage me to get off my ass and finally face the day:
However even with the makeup on you can still see the pockmarks on my skin 😦
School holidays started in Western Australia today. So last night me and my little boy hit the road and now we’re enjoying the next 10 days in the country! There is something about the atmosphere of a small country town that relaxes me so much more than the suburbs/city. In a way I think moving from our family farm to a town environment when I was 4 years old may have contributed to my Dermatillomania. Hopefully one day I’ll be able to return to the country for good. But for now I get to spend the next week and a bit reading, writing and drawing… 3 of my most favourite things to do! And all while spending lots of quality time with my little man before he goes back to school and I go back to uni! ♥
Ok before I lose my wordpress yet again… is anybody else having problems accessing their wordpress blog? I can go days at a time with a “Page not available” message coming up whenever I try to access my blog and then all of a sudden out of the blue it will work again. I’m getting really frustrated with it because it’s delaying my posts and preventing me from replying to commenters. I was going to pay the $18 a year and turn this blog into my own domain but I don’t want to pay for something I’ll still have trouble accessing. Can anyone help me with this?
Ok so here’s what I’ve come up with so far for the awareness bands:
I’ve chosen these colours because I feel both sexes would be comfortable wearing them as would both sufferers and non-sufferers.
I like black because I think it represents the depression/isolation that comes with derma (also I don’t notice many black bands around) and white is for hope (plus it stands out quite nicely).
I like blue because it is associated with mental health awareness and it’s also the colour that represents Trichotillomania (although there’s is a lighter blue) and again white for hope.
Also by choosing to fill the words in with white it means it stands out… I can opt to not fill the words in with colour, so they will still be there but they will only be indented into the band.
So far this is just an idea… I would have to figure out a cost-effective way of being able to post the wristbands worldwide first. Will enquire about this at the post office within the next couple of days.
So my questions are what do people prefer:
Black or blue?
Indented words only or indented and filled in with white?
I have been thinking a lot lately about creating an awareness ribbon or an awareness wristband for Dermatillomania but I don’t want to go ahead and create one until there is a general consensus on colour. I have sent off a quote tonight to a silicon wristband company in Australia to see how much they charge to find out if this will be an affordable endeavour for me or not. In case I decide to go ahead with this it would be nice to know what colour/style other derma sufferers would be comfortable with. As it will be us wearing them and because it will be representing a very personal struggle to us, I want to make sure I get this right. Below I have posted a direct link to the different style wristbands offered by the website I have contacted. I am leaning more towards the Single Colour Debossed Silicon Wristband with the option of filling the word “Dermatillomania” in with the colour white. As most of the sufferers I’ve come across seem to live in the US it may not be worthwhile for me to do this once I factor in postage and handling so if anyone knows of any US based companies like this one please let me know. Thanks!
Here’s the link to the Aussie site: