Monthly Archives: February 2013
I can’t stop attacking my skin… especially my right wrist. I keep doing it over and over and over again! It is now sore, swollen, red and hot to touch. This means I’ve done it again; I’ve given myself another infection. And I’m sure that repeatedly digging my tweezers into the sores certainly isn’t going to help them heal any quicker. Why can’t I stop?
I feel SO down… like absolutely NOTHING can pick me up. And it’s strange to say I feel down when I guess what I’m really feeling is empty… kind of numb. So this is depression? When there is not a thing in the world that makes you happy. When you can’t find anything that makes life worth living. When you can’t really feel anything at all. And if you delved deep enough all you would really find is a deep, torturous sadness. So sad that not even tears could do the feeling justice. And then you start to think – what is the point? Why am I even here? Why do I wake up everyday and put myself through this agony if we’re all just going to die in the end anyway? I know this blog is mainly about my Dermatillomania but my Depression exists hand in hand with this condition. As does my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I think is the main contributing factor to my low moods at the moment. I need to find something worth holding onto… something to keep me going until my mood “picks up”. Not that it ever really does. Sorry for the sadness, but I needed to tell someone, even if I am only speaking to myself… at least it’s off my chest for now. And so I will leave you with a little poem I wrote the other day:
Why does this deep dark shadow always follow me?
Weighing me down… trapping me in my own body.
There is no escaping it.
It consumes me; strangling my breath, suffocating me.
Until there is nothing left.
I am numb.
… the feeling you get when you look in the mirror and see a spotted monster staring back at you.
Will I always feel like this everytime I look in the mirror? Will I always look like this? And if eventually I take control of my picking and the wounds go, will the scars disappear? And if the physical scars disappear, will the emotional ones?
I’ve been a bit slack lately with everything that’s been going on so I’m sorry this is my first post in a while. My little man is back at school, in year 1 this year, I’m moving back in with my mum this weekend (shall be interesting to see how this goes as I moved out about 6 years ago, when I was 18) and uni goes back in just over a week. The STRESS is unbelievable, I am trying to stay calm and I am trying not to pick as a way to cope. Surprisingly I’m not doing TOO bad at the moment. It’s mainly the scars that are getting me down. I’ve bought a couple of products recently that I am going to start using to see if that makes a difference so I’ll keep you updated on how that goes. Hope everyone is keeping well!
I wish I could stop. JUST STOP! Why is it so hard? You think it would be so simple to just stop picking at your skin. But it’s not!! Am I lacking willpower? Am I beyond willpower? It gets me SO SO down! I just want to be able to be “me” without constantly being held back by my stupid spots. Sorry for the rant… “that time of the month is coming” which means I break out in pimples so naturally the picking gets worse and then because I’m hormonal I become more upset than usual about my derma.