I feel SO down… like absolutely NOTHING can pick me up. And it’s strange to say I feel down when I guess what I’m really feeling is empty… kind of numb. So this is depression? When there is not a thing in the world that makes you happy. When you can’t find anything that makes life worth living. When you can’t really feel anything at all. And if you delved deep enough all you would really find is a deep, torturous sadness. So sad that not even tears could do the feeling justice. And then you start to think – what is the point? Why am I even here? Why do I wake up everyday and put myself through this agony if we’re all just going to die in the end anyway? I know this blog is mainly about my Dermatillomania but my Depression exists hand in hand with this condition. As does my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I think is the main contributing factor to my low moods at the moment. I need to find something worth holding onto… something to keep me going until my mood “picks up”. Not that it ever really does. Sorry for the sadness, but I needed to tell someone, even if I am only speaking to myself… at least it’s off my chest for now. And so I will leave you with a little poem I wrote the other day:
Why does this deep dark shadow always follow me?
Weighing me down… trapping me in my own body.
There is no escaping it.
It consumes me; strangling my breath, suffocating me.
Until there is nothing left.
I am numb.