Monthly Archives: April 2013
If I didn’t pick…
There are many things I dream about doing. Many things I want to do. There is so much of my personality that remains locked away because of how I look and because of how I feel about the way I look. Have you often wondered what you would be like if you didn’t pick? What you would do? Who you would be? I have!
If I didn’t pick I would:
– ♥ love LOVE shopping!! I could try on anything I wanted any time of the year and not have to cringe at my reflection in the mirrors or only pick items off the shelves that contained sleeves or legs! I could singlet shop and shorts shop and swimwear shop! It would be grand!
– Go out whenever I wanted. Whenever I felt like it. I would just go. No need to apply makeup. No need to search for the perfect outfit. No need to check the weather. I would just head out.
– Lay on the beach surrounded by a group of friends in a hot bikini soaking up the sun and the laughter in between dips in the ocean.
– Dance, dance and dance! I could go clubbing in a gorgeous outfit that showed off my body and I wouldn’t have to worry about overheating or sweating so much my makeup ran off because I would be dressed comfortably and it wouldn’t matter if my makeup wore off.
– Answer the door when someone knocked on it, instead of hiding in fear or hurrying to the bathroom first to cover up all my spots and scars.
– Love having friends just “drop-by” and say hi!
– Love freely and unconditionally… I wouldn’t be so afraid of putting myself out there.
– Hang out more, date more, and enjoy meeting new people and making new friends.
– Have more friends.
– Enjoy intimacy.
– Be confident!
– Smile more!
I want to be that person who can do all of the above things. I want to be the real me!! The “me” that is just dying to burst out and finally be free of this prison that is Derma. It feels like I’ve been given a life sentence, one where I’ve already served twenty years. I think I’ve done my time. I think I’ve suffered enough. I think it’s time I was set free. Don’t you?
The area of my life where my picking impacts the most is my social life. The relationships that I form with family, friends and partners are constantly impeded by my impulse control disorder – Dermatillomania. Family will comment on my spots and my scars, remarks that are hurtful but that are probably only made because they care – yet it forms a barrier between us. I become upset with them, so I take it out on myself (I pick) and then I resent them. Friends invite me out clubbing or to the beach and I have to come up with excuses as to why I can’t go. Then they stop inviting me out as much. Especially considering I don’t handle “drop-by” visits very well – I need substantial notice to cover my skin.
And partners! Where do I even begin to start with partners? Partners are usually those we are most intimate with. The ones who see us stripped naked – both internally and externally. How do you even begin to let someone into the life of a Dermatillomaniac? For me it’s usually been a slow process… friendship first, only hanging out with them when my picking is reasonably controlled and I’m covered in makeup, sex happens only in the dark, sleepovers are usually avoided. My son’s father did not see me fully naked until I had to give birth to our son – and even then I tried to stay fully clothed much to the midwives and doctor’s dismay haha!
Sometimes I have pre-warned potential partners that I have Dermatillomania by showing them old pictures of myself and telling them a little bit about the disorder; other times I have not mentioned anything until a few months into the relationship they ask me why I fidget so much with my skin and then I am forced to give an explanation. Either way the issue, whenever and however it is brought up, is a tricky one to negotiate. And that’s when I start wishing I could stop picking before I meet my next partner so I never have to cross this bridge again.
But how realistic is that wish? Yes, one day I might stop… but am I letting people slip through my fingers in the meantime? Distancing myself from others until I have this disorder under control? I like someone at the moment, he’s just a friend, but he wouldn’t even have the slightest inkling about what exists under my clothes and under my makeup. And I don’t want him to know because I am embarrassed by it and I am disappointed in myself that I still do this. So the reality of the situation is that for now, he just remains a friend, while I continue to awkwardly turn down offers to hang out.
I want to stop for him. Well, for everyone really – for my family and friends as well. But I can’t stop for them – I have to stop for myself. And I have to want to stop! And although I do, I really do, I know there’s still a part of me that holds onto the picking because it’s all I’ve ever known. It’s my safe place: a haven almost, that I can use to hide away from the world when it all gets too much.