Happy Birthday To Me
About three months ago I put a plan in place to stop picking by my 25th birthday. In 1 minute, I will be 25 years old and my picking is the worst it’s been all year.
That photo is of me on Friday night… I spent my night picking for hours on end to the point I felt physically sick to my stomach and that depressed I contemplated suicide.
I feel worse tonight.
My back is on fire. I have a weeping open wound in between my shoulder blades that just won’t heal and I can feel it burning. All the skin around it is red, raised and hot to touch. My face is stinging and my arms and legs are covered in band-aids.
I haven’t felt this sad in a long long time.
I’m 25 tomorrow. That’s 21 years living with Derma and I’m not sure I can do it anymore.
I’m in so much mental and physical pain. I just want to cry but I can’t.
I can’t handle how much this disorder has consumed my life. I feel so ill. A sign I am infected once again.
Happy birthday to me.
Posted on October 15, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged Birthday, Depression, Dermatillomania, Excoriation Disorder, Scratching, Skin Infection, Skin Picking, Suicide. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
hang in there sweetie. I can see you are consumed with mental and physical pain, but please don’t take your life. you have had better moments in your life, and you can have those again.
i learnt not to put a timeline to when i would be “cured” from my self harming behaviours. it is an immeasurable course to recovery and you will get there when it is the time to get there.
i know this is very frustrating but it is ultimately more distressing to fail at each stop by date.
do you have someone you can talk to about how bad things have become?
p.s. your birthday is exactly a week after mine, just thought i’d share that :p
Thank you so much for your kind and caring words, they really did help to make me feel better! Whenever I relapse I become consumed by my depression and fail to see the positives in life. I think I need to do like what you said and not put a timeline on when I should stop picking by as it only heightens my anxiety which of course then increases my picking! You just reminded me that I was meant to have an appointment with my psychologist today that I totally forgot about so will ring up and reschedule a new appointment! Thanks again for all the love and support and happy birthday for last week 🙂 xx