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Posted on October 7, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged bfrb awareness, break the stigma, CBSN, Depression, Dermatillomania, Spread The Word. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.
First of all, I think you hear it a lot: sorry for my English.
It’s been quite a while that I suffer from skin picking. And as you must know, it’s not easy at all. Some people that know about my disorder, thinks the same way: That I can simply stop, with a blink of an eye. But for me, a 23 year old Brazilian woman, the simply idea of hanging out with someone, even for a walk in a park or going to the mall in a sunny day seems to be horrifying. They can only imagine what it feels like to be all covered up when the forecast shows the weather is hot like hell. When I wake up, the first thing that comes into my mind is that I’m alone and I don’t picture myself having a relationship with anyone, because the scars have made me feel less like a woman and more like an aberration, and then the questions would show up: What have I done to myself? What it would feel to show my legs to the world? Is there any cure? Is there anyone that is able to love me the way I look now? It started around 10 years ago, and I can imagine why it did. I’ve always been sentimental, in each and every department of my life. Every time that a discussion between my parents had happened, or a broken heart, I would fell free when I started scratching my nails on my face or picking my legs until it bleeds. I thought it was just some kind of a mania that would disappear soon. But the years started to go further and the mania became a habit. I started to lose precious time, like going to the beach and wearing a bikini or a skirt. I used to have so many dreams such as travelling abroad, visiting places where I could cover myself and nobody would ask why the hell I feel cold and I wouldn’t just smirk and suffer in silence. It is awful to not to be aware of the real life, having no friends and no lover, just because I don’t like what I’ve become and what I see when I look at the mirror. I really like the way I learned, in my lonely years, to watch things and realize that every single good feeling, even if it comes from something or someone that is considered ugly is too much more beautiful and precious than the ones that paint their faces, just like wearing a mask and fooling themselves. Today, as I wake up I thought of how dying would relief me, but now I know that curing myself means to walk a lonely path, and it has to come from the inside first. Thank you very much, and I hope you achieve the cure, as well, because you are beautiful and you deserve it!
Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story with me. Your English is perfect! I know exactly how you feel… reading your words felt as though I was speaking them myself. It is a lonely disorder and sadly it does impact on a lot of the things we want to do in life. I have learnt that pushing through the bad days and allowing myself to go out and have fun even with the sores and scars, makes me feel so much better than if I stay home and just feel terrible about myself. It is a hard thing to push through though and there are days where not even I can bring myself to do it and so I will sleep all day not wanting to wake up. But we are here for a reason and I think we need to find that cure for ourselves as much as for all of the other sufferers out there. If you ever feel lonely don’t hesitate to send me a message or if you haven’t already please check out the Dermatillomania Support Group on Facebook so you can connect with other sufferers. We’re a very supportive bunch! Thank you again for writing in and for your very kind words. I wish you all the best in your journey to recovery and remember you are not alone!
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