Started blogging and ended up vlogging after my blog post triggered me to remember an incident when I was in year 6 at primary school. Sorry for the crummy quality (light across my face). I’m not very techno savvy!
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Dark Memories
I finally set up my old computer and managed to locate the old Dermatillomania videos I had uploaded 4 years ago to YouTube plus one I made over 5 years ago for Dr. Phil but never uploaded or made public. They were so incredibly heartbreaking to watch! I had no idea my picking was that bad 😦 Watching those videos has literally crushed me! I was so broken back then and it bought me to tears watching how much I used to suffer. All I wanted to do was reach through my computer; give myself a massive hug and say:
DON’T GIVE UP! You are a strong young woman with so much potential and so much to give! You WILL get through this dark period in your life. One day things will be so much brighter. You will be so much happier. Beneath the sores and scars you are so incredibly beautiful – don’t let the marks define who you are! YOU ARE NOT YOUR CONDITION!
Keep those words in mind. They apply to you too. Even if the days are dark. Even if it feels like you are stuck beneath a storm cloud that never shifts and never lets any light through – one day there will be a break in those clouds and the tiniest ray of light will reach you. From there it can only grow until one day the storm clouds pass completely! There is HOPE in your STRENGTH! Life is too beautiful to hide away from it. LIVE IT!!
Much love to all of you who suffer with this. I’d forgotten just how hard it can be when your life is being severely impacted by Dermatillomania. I still pick. I’ve never stopped. But it has gotten a lot better and I’m determined to keep up the good work and kick this fucker once and for all! Expletive was totally necessary here!
Stay tuned for the videos that are to be re-uploaded.
Progress Is Being Made
I’ve been doing really well lately – so well in fact that my picking has lessened enough that I went to the dvd store last night with NO makeup on my face. I was devastated when I realised the dvd store was shut and I would instead have to go inside the shopping centre to return my rentals BUT I did it! I may have been extremely anxious, fiddling with my fingers in my pocket the entire time and turning my head or looking down every time I passed another shopper, but I managed to leave my house without makeup and this is a small step in the right direction! I’m also weighing in at 43.3kg, and that was after a yucky bout of vomiting thanks to gastro, which means I have managed to put on 4.7kg in 6 months (probably more now that I can finally eat again)! Which means I’m only 1.7kg away from my goal weight of 45kg and I am slowly starting to not be so paranoid about germs in my food. Next step will be buying and cooking mince or chicken. At the moment I’m only ok with steak!
If you’re wondering why I’m all of a sudden talking about food I too suffer from OCD and have done since I was a little girl. I used to spend hours checking locks, taps and light switches but I managed for the most part to overcome that. Now, after a stressful period last year, it has returned in the form of thinking my food is contaminated and being extremely cautious with what I buy and eat. And I also have to wash my hands quite frequently with hot water and soap! I thought I’d kicked my OCD but my psychologist told me that in times of stress it can return as it is the only way I feel like I can have some control over what’s happening in my life. OCD is about control and when I felt like I was losing control the OCD returned.
Does anyone else suffer with any other conditions on top of the Dermatillomania? My official diagnosis a few years ago, when my picking was at its peak, was: severe depression with suicidal tendencies, anxiety disorder, OCD and Dermatillomania. Fun times… not!! 
Good night had after a bad afternoon ♥
Decided not to let my picking, depression or other people’s “not-so-nice” words and lack of understanding get to me tonight. Sooo after I posted my blog post and made my video I shouted myself a Jacks n Coke and took myself to see a movie – The Internship. First time I’ve ever gone out on my own and I LOVED it!
I think for me, when trying to stop picking, even if I relapse I need to push myself to get out there and not curl up into a ball under my doona. Which is tempting… BUT unproductive and doesn’t help me feel any better. Now that I’m home though and it’s past midnight I think I’ll give myself permission to make a cuppa and curl up under that doona… just got to make my bed first… ooops!
Disappointed
Today has been a bad day for my picking. I quite simply have not had the energy to make a conscious effort to do anything about it. I have given in to my hands and fingers and nails in the hope it would ease my stress. But it hasn’t. I’m in pain now and I feel sick to my stomach at what I’ve been doing to myself. I’ve ripped apart my back, chest and legs with tweezers. I want to cry but I can’t. I’m just so disappointed in myself right now. I’ve never felt so down as I do in this moment… It feels like my heart is breaking in two but at the same time I’m so numb that I can barely feel it… if that even makes any sense. I’d love to just stay here and sit and contemplate but I can’t; I have to get ready for work.
Dermatillomania 