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Dark Memories

I finally set up my old computer and managed to locate the old Dermatillomania videos I had uploaded 4 years ago to YouTube plus one I made over 5 years ago for Dr. Phil but never uploaded or made public. They were so incredibly heartbreaking to watch! I had no idea my picking was that bad 😦 Watching those videos has literally crushed me! I was so broken back then and it bought me to tears watching how much I used to suffer. All I wanted to do was reach through my computer; give myself a massive hug and say:

DON’T GIVE UP! You are a strong young woman with so much potential and so much to give! You WILL get through this dark period in your life. One day things will be so much brighter. You will be so much happier. Beneath the sores and scars you are so incredibly beautiful – don’t let the marks define who you are! YOU ARE NOT YOUR CONDITION!

Keep those words in mind. They apply to you too. Even if the days are dark. Even if it feels like you are stuck beneath a storm cloud that never shifts and never lets any light through – one day there will be a break in those clouds and the tiniest ray of light will reach you. From there it can only grow until one day the storm clouds pass completely! There is HOPE in your STRENGTH! Life is too beautiful to hide away from it. LIVE IT!!

Much love to all of you who suffer with this. I’d forgotten just how hard it can be when your life is being severely impacted by Dermatillomania. I still pick. I’ve never stopped. But it has gotten a lot better and I’m determined to keep up the good work and kick this fucker once and for all! Expletive was totally necessary here!

Stay tuned for the videos that are to be re-uploaded.


Sometimes I can be judgemental. Especially when it comes to things like drug addiction. There is a girl I know who I used to go to school with who has three children currently being raised by her grandparents because she is too busy getting high to look after them herself. And so I judge. I hear this and I judge. I see this and I judge. I think to myself “Why can’t you just stop? You say you want to quit so badly… so stop talking about it and just do it!”

And then I stop. Because sometimes it’s not that easy. Sometimes no matter how hard you want to stop something, like picking, or taking drugs, or smoking, it’s not as easy to quit as you think it might be. Especially if it’s all you’ve ever known. Especially if it’s been your coping mechanism – the only way you know how to deal with life.

And then there are the triggers! There are always triggers! Family, friends, stress, peer pressure, work, study, life (in general) and then there’s the actual tools themselves… the drugs, the alcohol, the cigarettes, the mirror, the tweezers! How do you put distance between yourself and the triggers and tools? And this is where it’s hard for pickers because unlike addicts, our major tool is quite literally right at our fingertips – our nails! We can’t just chop our hands off and then quietly go insane while the urges penetrate our every thought because that is simply not possible. We can’t get away from our major tool! I remember when I quit smoking I felt like I was going crazy! I wanted a cigarette SO SO SO badly! I’d just found out I was pregnant so I tore up all my remaining cigarettes and then threw them in the bin, just like that! Then I did not leave the house… I stayed inside desperately wanting to go to the shops and buy some more but I knew if I could hold out long enough until the urges passed it would get easier and eventually it did! But had someone been sitting right next to me smoking the entire time I was trying to quit or had my fingers been made out of cigarettes themselves, I may still be smoking today. It’s only because I could get that distance that I was successful! And that’s not to say I don’t still think about smoking because every now and again I will crave a cigarette, however I just choose to stay away!

So I try to do the same with picking! I try to “stay away” or “cut down” or just “quit cold turkey” but sometimes without even realising it my fingers are already back at work: scanning, searching, smoothing, scratching. Picking! And other times it all gets too much and because my hands are right there I figure “Well why the bloody hell not!” It’s a vicious circle! One I want to break free from but short of chopping my hands off, I don’t know what else to do. And I get judged! People say to me all the time “Why can’t you just stop?” or “If you really wanted to, you’d just stop!” Well it’s not that easy. And who are they to judge, just as who am I to judge? We all have our own inner struggles and we all have our own way of dealing with them. Sometimes it really is a case on focussing less on others and more on oneself. So from now on I’ll try to be less judgemental and when I notice myself asking these questions of others, I’ll apply them to myself and my situation!

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