Category Archives: Depression
I’ve been doing really well lately – so well in fact that my picking has lessened enough that I went to the dvd store last night with NO makeup on my face. I was devastated when I realised the dvd store was shut and I would instead have to go inside the shopping centre to return my rentals BUT I did it! I may have been extremely anxious, fiddling with my fingers in my pocket the entire time and turning my head or looking down every time I passed another shopper, but I managed to leave my house without makeup and this is a small step in the right direction! I’m also weighing in at 43.3kg, and that was after a yucky bout of vomiting thanks to gastro, which means I have managed to put on 4.7kg in 6 months (probably more now that I can finally eat again)! Which means I’m only 1.7kg away from my goal weight of 45kg and I am slowly starting to not be so paranoid about germs in my food. Next step will be buying and cooking mince or chicken. At the moment I’m only ok with steak!
If you’re wondering why I’m all of a sudden talking about food I too suffer from OCD and have done since I was a little girl. I used to spend hours checking locks, taps and light switches but I managed for the most part to overcome that. Now, after a stressful period last year, it has returned in the form of thinking my food is contaminated and being extremely cautious with what I buy and eat. And I also have to wash my hands quite frequently with hot water and soap! I thought I’d kicked my OCD but my psychologist told me that in times of stress it can return as it is the only way I feel like I can have some control over what’s happening in my life. OCD is about control and when I felt like I was losing control the OCD returned.
Does anyone else suffer with any other conditions on top of the Dermatillomania? My official diagnosis a few years ago, when my picking was at its peak, was: severe depression with suicidal tendencies, anxiety disorder, OCD and Dermatillomania. Fun times… not!!
Sometimes I see things or hear things that remind me of you and instantly I am filled with a deep sense of regret. A longing to go back to the past and change things but unfortunately I can’t and I will have to live with this feeling every single day for the rest of my life. If only you knew how sorry I am. If only I could fix things. If only I could hold you tight and never let you go. If only I could tell you “I love you”. ♥
I feel SO down… like absolutely NOTHING can pick me up. And it’s strange to say I feel down when I guess what I’m really feeling is empty… kind of numb. So this is depression? When there is not a thing in the world that makes you happy. When you can’t find anything that makes life worth living. When you can’t really feel anything at all. And if you delved deep enough all you would really find is a deep, torturous sadness. So sad that not even tears could do the feeling justice. And then you start to think – what is the point? Why am I even here? Why do I wake up everyday and put myself through this agony if we’re all just going to die in the end anyway? I know this blog is mainly about my Dermatillomania but my Depression exists hand in hand with this condition. As does my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder which I think is the main contributing factor to my low moods at the moment. I need to find something worth holding onto… something to keep me going until my mood “picks up”. Not that it ever really does. Sorry for the sadness, but I needed to tell someone, even if I am only speaking to myself… at least it’s off my chest for now. And so I will leave you with a little poem I wrote the other day:
Why does this deep dark shadow always follow me?
Weighing me down… trapping me in my own body.
There is no escaping it.
It consumes me; strangling my breath, suffocating me.
Until there is nothing left.
I am numb.
… the feeling you get when you look in the mirror and see a spotted monster staring back at you.
Will I always feel like this everytime I look in the mirror? Will I always look like this? And if eventually I take control of my picking and the wounds go, will the scars disappear? And if the physical scars disappear, will the emotional ones?
I wish I could stop. JUST STOP! Why is it so hard? You think it would be so simple to just stop picking at your skin. But it’s not!! Am I lacking willpower? Am I beyond willpower? It gets me SO SO down! I just want to be able to be “me” without constantly being held back by my stupid spots. Sorry for the rant… “that time of the month is coming” which means I break out in pimples so naturally the picking gets worse and then because I’m hormonal I become more upset than usual about my derma.
Tonight is one of those nights where I am wallowing in self pity. It sucks. So I’m going to make the conscious decision to just “snap out of it”. I can already tell that this year is going to be the year that defines me. It is going to be full of change and full of choice and I am damn well going to make the most of it! Yeah life sucks at the moment. I’m depressed. I pick. I can’t afford to put a roof over me and my sons’ head. I am going through a hellish break up. BUT SO WHAT??? If I keep dwelling on this shit then I am going to continue to keep living in my problems instead of doing anything about them. My problems do not define me. My choices do. I’m going to get through this and at the end of it all I am going to hold my head up high and say “Fuck I am proud of the fact I got here. Look at how far I’ve come and how much I’ve achieved!”