Picking in Public
So for the first time the other day I had a picking session in public. Over the years, there has been the odd occasion where I’ve picked at a spot or two on my face while out shopping or at work or out with friends and family but this was something different. It started in one of my tutorials at University. As I was sitting there listening to everything my tutor was saying, my left hand started feeling for and picking at the scabs that were on my right hand. I just started tearing into my skin right there in class! And then I started picking at my back. I was hoping no one noticed and I still hope no one noticed but I just didn’t seem to be able to stop. As soon as that class ended I went straight to the toilet and before I knew it I had entered into a trance like state. Over thirty minutes later I had picked all the scabs on my right hand, on both of my arms, some on my upper thighs and a couple on my bum. I was bleeding and pussing everywhere! And it’s not like I could have just hopped into a shower so I had to clean up as best as I could with all that was on hand – toilet paper – and then roll down the sleeves of my cardigan over my weeping, painful, open wounds. I was so ashamed! So devastated at my appaling behaviour! Is this what it has come down to – being unable to control my picking in public? And this isn’t the first time it has impacted my studies. Last week I changed one of my units from internal mode to external mode because I had spent the day at home picking and was too embarassed to attend my tutorial that night. So instead of facing up to what I had done, I took the easy way out. Memories of my high school years are now flooding back to me where I would refuse to get out of bed because I just couldn’t stand the thought of seeing myself in the mirror and spending over three hours trying to cover up my sores and scars with makeup.
I’ve just added a third degree to my studies. With that, as well as being a full time single mum, still coming to terms with my break up and moving back home with my mum, having work three nights a week as well as volunteering when I can – I think I may be a little overwhelmed. I thought I was coping but I think my picking is telling me otherwise. Maybe my new mantra of “Don’t think, just do!” isn’t as helpful as what I thought it would be. Hopefully I can get this under control or ease up on my workload a little bit. All I know is right now things are hard and it’s taking every inch of my strength to keep it all together.