Monthly Archives: January 2013
Today has been a bad day for my picking. I quite simply have not had the energy to make a conscious effort to do anything about it. I have given in to my hands and fingers and nails in the hope it would ease my stress. But it hasn’t. I’m in pain now and I feel sick to my stomach at what I’ve been doing to myself. I’ve ripped apart my back, chest and legs with tweezers. I want to cry but I can’t. I’m just so disappointed in myself right now. I’ve never felt so down as I do in this moment… It feels like my heart is breaking in two but at the same time I’m so numb that I can barely feel it… if that even makes any sense. I’d love to just stay here and sit and contemplate but I can’t; I have to get ready for work.
Soooo the new year has begun and what a rocky start it has been.
My New Year’s Resolution is to stop picking by the end of 2013. I may not stop completely. I may relapse ocassionally. But if I can manage my Dermatillomania to the point where it doesn’t impact my work, education, parenting abilities and clothing choices then I will accept that I have once and for all achieved my resolution. This is the 21st time I’ve made this resolution – it’s a lucky number for me so here’s hoping!
In saying all this though, I did pick tonight. In fact I CHOSE to pick tonight. As soon as I realised I had started doing it, I stopped myself, but then I chose to continue doing it anyway. I’m a little stressed at the moment so I figured I’d allow myself a bit of a guilt-free relapse tonight. Me and my boyfriend of 2 and a half years broke up a few days before Christmas and I now face homelessness due to the fact I am residing in his house. On top of all of this if I am lucky enough to find an affordable rental (which I doubt because our state is going through a rental crisis at the moment) I will have to quit my job because there will be no one to watch my son for me at nights. Oh and did I mention my study commitments recommence in 2 weeks time! STRESS!! And we all know that’s the last thing a Dermatillomania sufferer needs.
As much as I want to quit my Derma, it feels like it’s all I have to lean on at the moment.